i am only 21

Posted on by lesley.

hey everyone… it has been months since i uploaded something for everyone to read and i really am sorry- i know for some of you guys reading this it might be a nice break from your worries to hear about my take on films and music or to hear about my own struggles- and i simply disappeared, like the avatar almost. i started this blog post in december of 2021 and never continued writing it, life was just getting super hectic and 2022 was going to be, that i know now- one of the most stressful years of my life so far. you know with being in university and preparing for your last exams and bachelor thesis you really do tend to forget to breathe and blink- blinking is important let me tell you. also writing one’s own scripts and jotting down ideas- which is the fun part- (ideas… i have a lot,,, hollywood get in touch NOW) takes up a lot of time. bear in mind i am trying to write the perfect romcom so the genre doesn’t die on us ANYWAY that for another time because i feel deeply for romcoms…

i am one of those people who really loves to put everyone AND everything above myself. 2022 has been a year of working a lot- and also working myself to the bone. i didn’t really stop, even though corona tried to take away opportunities, but i simply wouldn’t let it and i also didn’t stop when my own body said let me have a rest please. i should have stopped! it is as if i have evolved into a somewhat workaholic- and that in my early twenties. my friends say that is a good trait- to be resilient- but once in a while i just want to let loose and do what a normal twenty year old would do. we will be working our whole life why am i already starting now? (well money is one thing, yes karen i know). my friends seem to have everything figured out and are enjoying their youth to the fullest and i consider myself lazy when i come home from a long day of working and then not wanting to go grocery shopping. it is definitely a challenge to not look at other people’s lives- i am sure someone somewhere out there might get envious of mine when they hear bits. but that is all they hear about- tiny little moments…

in my short time on this wonderful planet (note the irony) i have always felt the need to be the best at everything you could possibly think of, in a way it’s deeply routed in me achieving everything at once. when something doesn’t go the way i planned i fall into this weird and constant cycle of feeling like a failure. you have probably also felt like this before haven’t you?

i never wanted failure to be a part of my vocabulary, if it came after me i’d ban that word entirely.

why do i feel the constant need to be the best at everything, why am i putting other peoples´ lives before my own, why do i pressure myself so much- nearly no one else is, so why am i?

so many questions i don’t have answers to- just yet i guess.

i have written a lot about failure and wanted to share something with you if you were okay with that. to be quite honest it might be one of my favourite pieces to date. here you have something i wrote in september of 2021… two weeks before my 21st birthday…

let the sea take me
failure was always my biggest fear 
i tried so hard but it led me here 
i am trying to move away but i can’t breathe 
so maybe it’s okay if the sea takes me 

wave after wave i get knocked down 
i find it hard to say that i’m alright now 
but pushing through the water makes me weak 
so maybe it’s okay if the sea keeps me

this piece is very dear to my heart so i sincerely hope you’ll keep it safe with yours too my friend.

even if i just stopped and breathed for a while i wouldn’t lose my spot in this race so why am i simply not doing that?

anyways this little blogpost was just there to let you all know that- yes your favourite idiot is still alive and still writing. it has just been a very hectic year, meaning university, writing and internships and jobs have taken up all my time and then when i eventually had some time i would use it to go to the cinema or just relax until the next busy day- or i would continue working lol.

i definitely haven’t failed- nor am i planning on it, i have just been working towards a life that will make me happy and will let me relax at one point in time. what keeps me going is that with great power comes great respons- no i will not quote uncle ben. what i meant to say is that all this hard work will pay off in the future but that doesn’t mean that you cannot relax and disappear for a while. if you aren’t happy now you won’t be happy when you finally achieved what you have always wanted- world dominance. just kidding… or am i? I AM… I AMMMM. be there for yourself, breathe, blink and spend time with the ones who matter most. maybe also watch some really good romcoms… (and if you haven’t i will make sure to make you a list here- but please say you have.)

if you are like me in that you are scared of failure, maybe even failing other people- listen to your parents AND ME and take a break even just for a few moments, deal? (i will pretend you just gave me a nod).

i have got a lot going on with university now but once that excitement and ANXIETY has died down you will get a new blog post. maybe i will also just procrastinate and you’ll get some content my bros. LISTEN i have got so many half finished posts sitting in my drafts from november and december- i will get them to you eventually. for now i just want to say that i am working on taking a break and also beginning work on my next essays for university- i will take it easy i promise. (pinky swear)

until next time folks stay safe and have a good one.

– lesley. x

4 thoughts on “i am only 21”

  2. Pingback: Coffee: The Hot Friend I was Telling You About – coffee break with brit

Leave a comment