Art Of Pretending

I have had the soundtrack and specifically 30/90 playing over and over and over again in my head. who would have thought andrew garfield could sing? … to be honest I did, that man can do anything. the internet’s boyfriend has been gracing the screen as spider-man, letting us all delve back into memories and our childhoods. but that has passed now, people should be talking about his performance in tick tick boom. it is his best performance by far and I can proudly say this is a 10/10 movie. the fact it is based on a true story makes it even more heartbreaking but it was handled with care and respect.

jonathan larson is 29, soon to be 30 years old and is trying- just like so many of us- to make it big in an industry that thrives off of people breaking themselves to be someone. trying to keep his head over water and holding on to the dream of creating and writing plays, jon works in a diner. all of his friends, also artists like him, have decided to let go of the dream that brought them together. being an artist is just chasing after every opportunity and being sold off to the highest bidder who thinks they can make the most money out of you. jon has a dream and also the right amount of ego to make it happen, he knows he’s good at what he does but everything else in his life seems to be going wrong or holding him back. the clock is ticking and he’s left with the question of whether this life he chose, the life he is chasing is worth spending all this time for… or if he should just give up and spend his remaining years forgetting the pain and euphoria creating art gave him.

tick, tick… and boom.

this film truly touched me and I was moved beyond words… it really happened but most importantly it happens to so many of us. we try to make things happen, create the reality we always dreamt of but seemingly everything goes wrong and time isn’t on our side. as a creative, you can identify yourself with jonathan. he is me and I am him. the amount of times we have killed ourselves and sold ourselves short to just get a slither of recognition from our peers, the pain and hatred we felt creeping up inside ourselves because seemingly no one else but us thought we had what it takes to become something so much bigger than we ever aspired.

having put his heart and soul into something for years and no one wanting it, because it didn’t fit their narrative or they simply didn’t think it was worth it, this man broke himself just to have anyone that would take the time and listen to him. time… so little time.

the clock never stops ticking but our heart can stop beating if we don’t take care of ourselves.

“it would be a tragedy to give up what you have” that’s what they keep on telling you… but would it really be a tragedy or would it save me from becoming someone I never wanted to be- someone normal. art is pain, creating art also means creating pain, fear and maybe happiness. but if you put your all into something that no one cares for, except people who feel the same way- would it really be a tragedy? a tragedy considering that you gave up something so bittersweet. maybe you could have been someone, someone you have always dreamt of being. but the way there is steep and hard, if you continued, the tragedy would be that you broke yourself to never cross the actual finish line.

he gets knocked back time and time again. he lets his heart break time and time again. time is ticking… and the ticking becomes louder and louder each time he does not succeed. is time ever lost though? you might think it is because you aren’t sprinting forward, you’re rather taking one step forward and three steps back…

one can easily identify themselves with jonathan since he keeps comparing himself to his peers, he wants what they have but he just cannot let go of art itself. his friends in the industry are making moves and he hasn’t figured out how to dance yet. his other friends have made the hard decision to enter a life where art is just another hobby or not even in the mix at all and jon really doesn’t know how to do that. he doesn’t succeed… he doesn’t know what to do… but he just cannot let go.

isn’t he good enough?

time is ticking… tick tick tick tick

“it is now or never-land”

he stopped enjoying his life eight years ago trying to make his dream reality, they’re congratulating him for his 30th birthday but he feels like he is still 22… maybe because time went by so fast and he still feels like he is at the beginning of his journey because nothing is moving. he couldn’t listen to what others were going through but how could he, he was battling with his own demons… time after time… tick tick tick tick. time goes by fast when you’re trying too hard to enjoy it.

he resembles peter pan, the boy who never wanted to grow up or who seemingly just couldn’t become an adult with real life problems. every passing day he is chasing after the man with the clock in order to stop him and break the vicious process of turning old. in his eyes he would want to turn back time or stop it altogether. everything he needs is more time, but don’t we all need that? more time…

there was no other jonathan larson but he couldn’t see that at the time. he wanted to be like all the stephen sondheims out there but that only took away his time. tick tick tick tick. time was seemingly running out. but how could he be himself, and show others his ideas when every time he tried to do so, they made him walk the plank. every time he came up with an idea the premise was that he should reinvent himself anew…

tick tick tick tick.

the emotion, the running out of time, the pain, the depression, the disengagement with real life, the hopelessness, the bearer of bad news.

tick tick tick tick tick tick tick.

the stop.

boom.

the perversity of feeling like you’re not special enough to make it even though you’ve got what it takes.

every artist will get to a breaking point in their lives, where they will ask themselves if they should stick to what they love doing- even though it is bittersweet- or if they should just count their (countless) losses and move on, as not to die a painful depressed death. you can have talent but you need chances to showcase it if not you will be dismissed your whole life. would you want to stop and live a life like everyone else or do you think you’re capable of moving past the fact that you’re bleeding yourself dry on paper to create stories that could potentially figure as a bandaid for someone else. can you keep a vow to yourself and continue creating the art that the world desperately needs without even knowing so?

the thing is I understand him so well, I understand every tick and boom, I understand his story. I know what he wants to say when everyone else doesn’t. I know.

time is ticking (tick tick tick tick) but let that be music to your ears.

at some point you have to downplay the fact that the ringing could be getting louder, you have to get rid of the urge to listen to the tinnitus in your head trying to make you go crazy. you need to focus on your art, create, feel as to live a life that’s not just ringing in your ears.

30/90 shows us that jon might really be the real life peter pan, but not ultimately because he doesn’t want to get old. he just wants to have something to show for before he is old, he wants his writer heart to be content in having created something that influences the masses. he has lived for writing music and songs, creating stories that are different and special. like many of us, he just wants to matter and leave something behind to remember him. not achieving this goal makes him want to not turn older because then there are less chances to get on broadway and have the crowd shout your name, there are less possibilities to become even greater than he could have ever imagined.

“don’t jump ship, don’t panic, don’t freak out, don’t strike out”

the fact he says it is now or neverland… he needs to make it now that his 30th birthday passed or he he will stay a child or an adult with a child’s aspirations forever. it is now or never, either you make it now or you fail trying. either you check off all the boxes on your to-do list now or you burn it along with the stories, the songs, the aspirations that you garnered all your life.

don’t start a fire, but rekindle the flames that the child in you tried sparking a long time ago. let the child out and create stories you would have loved reading then and now. it is never too late to make the art you wish you could see in the world, no one is stopping you… sadly no one is helping you either but don’t give up, don’t let the child you once were see you give up.

don’t hold on to the peter pan state for too long, there’s no harm in growing up. be like wendy and never forget the child that grew up. never forget the stories the child talked about, never forget that you can help that child realise their dreams. you don’t need to be asleep to live the dream.

jonathan larson was a man to remember, he created art that is now loved by many and he really chose the life of an artist because it was the only thing that could make him happy. may he rest in peace.

tick, tick… BOOM is an incredibly thought through piece of art I urge everyone to watch it on netflix.

also try and take it easy, create art to the beat of your own drum, and don’t let captain hook chase you down the river… and if he does – I heard he’s scared of crocodiles…

stay safe,

lesley.